


let the ashes fall

by beanpod



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: All Of The Hurt None Of The Comfort, Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Shin Hoseok | Wonho/Yoo Kihyun, Past Relationship(s), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, jk there's a bit of comfort at the end, one sided shownu/kihyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 14:11:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15583692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beanpod/pseuds/beanpod
Summary: Hyunwoo's never really sure how they end up like this.





	let the ashes fall

**Author's Note:**

> a million years ago i said "i wanna write angst" and [mari](https://twitter.com/mkhhhx) said "UNREQUITED!11!" and here we all are. i honestly don't know where i was going with this and in the end i got too lazy to write a happy ending even though i really wanted to :< so if there are some plot-holes and inconsistencies, now you know why: I WAS TOO LAZY TO FINISH THIS AND JUST RUSHED THE ENDING :D
> 
> this thing is only explicit for like, half a minute, honestly, i wanted to write more porn. maybe next time i'll focus more on that and not so much on the man-pain.

Hyunwoo thinks, _I've got to stop doing this_ , and Hoseok whispers, "Don't stop," in such a hoarse, pleading voice, that for a second Hyunwoo thinks he's said the words out loud without realizing. Hoseok makes another groaning noise, more breath than actual sound, and Hyunwoo's hips stutter forward once, hard, twice, just as hard, Hoseok keening under him.

Hyunwoo's never really sure how they end up like this, and it's not like they make plans, either. Sometimes they're on their way back from lunch and Hoseok will blink at him in a certain way, sometimes it's Hyunwoo who presses closer in the break room and they just go from there.

It's been a year. Eleven months and two weeks, actually, but Hyunwoo only knows this because his birthday is two weeks away and the first time they did this they were both a bit tipsy with birthday vodka and stale beer. (Hyunwoo thinks they were lonely, too, lonely and desperate, Kihyun on a plane to Los Angeles and Hoseok with shaky fingers around the steering wheel and Hyunwoo mourning for something that was never really his. Hyunwoo mostly doesn't like thinking about it.)

Hoseok groans again—he's always so vocal, always, not just while doing this—and Hyunwoo bites back a curse, and something else, too, as he looks down at Hoseok's flushed face, his eyes shiny and with tears at the corners, his mouth full of Hyunwoo's dick; he's beautiful, even like this, _especially_ like this, Hyunwoo thinks, getting what he wants.

This is not what he'd thought they'd do when Hoseok texted _hey thai at mine tonight ?_

Hoseok smirks lazily up at him, his cheeks flushed and his brow damp with sweat as the tip of his tongue fits under the ridge of flesh around the head of Hyunwoo's cock. His fingers are teasing at the back of Hyunwoo's balls and it's a lot to process, the tingling that starts just under Hyunwoo's belly and spreads all the way across his chest, down to the back of his knees, added up to the warmth of Hoseok's mouth, the curl of his tongue, the way his eyes never leave Hyunwoo's face and make his cheeks burn hot.

It's a lazy thing, when Hyunwoo comes, bare of all thought, nothing but Hoseok spread under him, Hyunwoo's thighs straddling his chest.

Hoseok takes it like a pro, when Hyunwoo curses under his breath and feels his balls tighten, his hips snapping forwards once, hard and quick, and it's like Hoseok smiles up at him, stupid as it sounds, his eyes warm and sort of like, _it's okay, no hard feelings_ , and Hyunwoo would laugh, he really would, but the only coherent sound that escapes him is Hoseok's name in a shuddery breath.

Hoseok's finger traces at the rim of his hole and Hyunwoo's gone, so gone it's like there's no way he's ever going to recover from this, from _Hoseok_ , and when he comes, Hoseok's hand is poised at his hip, grounding him, squeezing gently while Hyunwoo rides his orgasm into Hoseok's mouth lazily, his knees giving out the more seconds tick by and the longer Hoseok sucks and licks like he could spend hours just doing so.

Hoseok lets out a soft chuckle as Hyunwoo rolls off to the side and drops heavily against the headboard, smiling lazily up at the ceiling and folding both arms under his head. His right elbow pokes at Hyunwoo's thigh. "Am I great or what."

"Your _mouth_ is great," Hyunwoo snorts after too long a pause, voice hoarse with something he doesn't want to think about. "It's, like, a separate entity. There's you, and then there's your mouth. I like your mouth better than I like you, in fact." The joke—the lie—tastes sour in his mouth.

"Liar," Hoseok yawns, and stretches out, turning on his side so one of his arms lies across Hyunwoo's lap. He nuzzles at Hyunwoo's thigh. "I'm gonna pass out."

Hyunwoo makes a face. "Don't drool on me."

That gets Hoseok to raise his head, his eyes blank and narrowed as he stares at Hyunwoo. "Just had your cock in my mouth, I can assure you there was a lot of drool on you, buddy."

"Shut up," Hyunwoo says around a chuckle, and flicks Hoseok's forehead just because he can. He shifts around and shoves Hoseok's arm away gently, reaching for his boxers. Hoseok makes a strangled sound but Hyunwoo pays him no mind as he pulls them up his legs and then sits at the edge of the bed.

His waist is aching dully and his thighs are tingly. "I'm gonna make some ramen," he tells Hoseok, reaching for his tee. "I didn't have lunch today, I'm fucking starving." He wonders if he should point out there wasn't Thai take-out involved at all and that he feels slightly used.

Hoseok sighs, and when Hyunwoo turns to look at him, he's staring at the ceiling, his fingers tracing idle patterns on the sheets.

(Hyunwoo's gut twists, at how open and beautiful Hoseok looks like this, a different kind of beautiful, spread out on his bed, stark naked, neck and chest flushed and cock half hard against his thigh. He briefly wonders if Hoseok wants help with that, but he doesn't say a word.)

"Don't burn down my kitchen," Hoseok says quietly, and after a moment, he stares back at Hyunwoo, squinting a little. "Save some for me, yeah? I'm gonna take a shower and change the sheets. You staying over tonight?"

There's a heavy pause, heavy on Hyunwoo's throat because he doesn't know what to say. He rarely stays over lately. He's working extra early shifts and he does kick in his sleep and has been, on more than one occasion, been shoved to the couch while a grumpy Hoseok announces he's not allowed back in bed until he's got his limbs under control. (These are also the times Hoseok drags him back to bed around 4 AM with soft apologies and gentle hands and they don't get back to sleep at all.)

"You know I kick in my sleep," is what Hyunwoo says, wetting his lips.

Hoseok's lips tug up at the corners, and he goes back to staring at the ceiling, unfazed. "Suit yourself, then. Don't burn the kitchen," he repeats.

Hyunwoo nods and heads for the door without another word, and it's weird—Hyunwoo's walked these steps many times before but it's the first time he feels something dragging behind him, stretching so thin and impossible he can almost hear it snap when Hoseok's sheets rustle and he closes the door behind him.

 

 

 

They rarely kiss. Even when they fuck, Hyunwoo admits it's Hoseok who closes the gap between their mouths first, and even when he does it feels… strange. 

The thing about it, Hyunwoo thinks, is kissing makes it intimate and, what they do? Far from intimate, even if it is _them_ and they've known each other for years—Hoseok isn't just some random dude Hyunwoo likes to mess around with, Hoseok is _Hoseok_ and he's been home in a way for so long now Hyunwoo can barely see the lines blurring anymore, where one of them ends and the other one starts.

But it's different, when they're together, because it's mostly just for fun (and, at times, desperation), not because there are feelings—except of course there are feelings, just not _that_ kind of feelings.

(They're probably just lying to themselves. Hyunwoo's thought about it often.)

Hyunwoo doesn't mind when it happens, though, when Hoseok stays the night at his place and later finds him in the kitchen having a bowl of soggy cereal and instead of taking a bite with a spoon like a normal person would, kisses Hyunwoo right there and then, steals all flavors from his mouth and strokes the back of Hyunwoo's neck with warm fingers until Hyunwoo tastes nothing but Hoseok in his mouth and the barest hints of toothpaste.

Or when they're feeling particularly lazy after dinner with the guys and drop dead on Jooheon and Changkyun's couch and Hoseok presses his nose to Hyunwoo's jaw until Hyunwoo _gets it_ , ducks his head and their mouths meet and Jooheon starts singing in his room and Changkyun yells at him to shut up from the kitchen, both of them loud and oblivious to Hyunwoo and Hoseok kissing and kissing and kissing until they're breathless, lips swollen and red, cheeks and necks flushed with more than just the thought of getting caught.

So, when Hoseok crowds him against the bathroom sink one Tuesday morning after spending the night on his pull-out couch (they hadn't fucked last night; Hoseok had been tired and cranky from a meeting and all he wanted was junk food and a shitload of Coke, and he'd passed out on the couch before Hyunwoo even had a chance to offer the empty side of his bed), all rumpled and warm, Hyunwoo is surprised.

There's a metaphorical sticky-note pinned to Hyunwoo's mind with the number of times they've made out with their clothes still on—not exactly a big number, either—and without the intention of taking it further and it's all been rather friendly, if you look at it from outside the box. And maybe close an eye and squint a little.

Hyunwoo gets it, though, why sometimes they just kiss instead of getting naked, understands there's a depth to it that sex can't always match.

Sometimes Hoseok gets like this—quiet and gruff, his shoulders stiff and mouth a thin line, so unlike himself, that has nothing to do with work—and Hyunwoo doesn't know what to do other than try to soothe him with his mouth. (Hyunwoo thinks about Kihyun then, but never says anything, and it's not like he can, either, with how soft Hoseok goes against him, Hyunwoo's mind reeling and thoughts of Kihyun and Hoseok doing this—exactly this—disappearing from his mind.)

"You okay?" he asks quietly, aware of the way Hoseok's staring at his lips.

Hoseok nods once and then shakes his head, and it must say something, how Hyunwoo's well into Hoseok-speak by now to understand the whole thing without missing a beat. He sighs—not because this is dreary and he'd rather not, but because he knows how much they're fucking up and even so he still wants to go along with it, would drop everything to go along with it a bit more.

It's a complicated thing, human behavior. Emotions.

They fit so well, is the thing. If they didn't, Hyunwoo thinks, he wouldn't enjoy it so much, wouldn't think about it so often. Hoseok's hands are warm on Hyunwoo's neck, his head tilted to the side as he presses in closer, and Hyunwoo frames his hips with his hands, feeling the jut of Hoseok's hips under his thumbs, sharp and solid, real. They fit, from knees to mouths and fingertip to fingertip, and it scares Hyunwoo, how things seem to settle down when they do this.

The irony isn't lost on him, either.

Maybe it's just him. Maybe Hoseok does this because he's sexually frustrated (or just frustrated in general) and Hyunwoo's the easiest way out, convenient and familiar. It tugs at his stomach, the thought, feels it plummet all the way down to his knees. Or maybe that's Hoseok licking his way into Hyunwoo's mouth, barely this side of desperate, his nails digging into Hyunwoo's scalp.

Hoseok pulls away with a soft sound and his lips are so red, so inviting, and yet Hyunwoo pulls further back, breathing hard, like he's just ran for his life.

"We should get breakfast," he says, barely a murmur, "it's a quarter to eight."

"Okay," Hoseok agrees after a pause, his arms falling away. He takes a step back and looks at the sink like he's never seen one before. Like he doesn't recognize the room around him. "Let me just. Shower?"

Hyunwoo isn't too full of himself to think Hoseok means showering together. He nods, points to the spare towels in the cabinet behind the door, and says, "Help yourself out to anything," before walking out, and he doesn't miss the way Hoseok's stare feels heavy at the back of his neck.

 

 

 

The night before he leaves to LA, Kihyun touches his elbow softly and says, "Hey, can we talk for a moment?"

Hyunwoo nods, licking his lips and tasting stale beer. He clears his throat. "Yeah, of course."

Hyunwoo's been nursing the same cup of beer for the past thirty minutes because he has to drive back to his place later. The beer is lukewarm now and it tastes horrible and it's a good excuse, he figures, as he leaves his glass on Minhyuk's kitchen counter and follows Kihyun to the living room and then to the little balcony to the side. There are cigarette butts on the sill and an empty ashtray to the side. Clearly Hyungwon can't bother to _even_.

Kihyun's been drinking vodka and soda and it smells sweet, from where they stand close together. Kihyun stares out at the brick buildings and the street lights outside Minhyuk's apartment and there's something unreal about him like this; he looks ethereal, a little, yellow light on his hair, the bridge of his nose, the dip of his mouth. He's beautiful and breathtaking and Hyunwoo's glad he left his cup back in the kitchen or it'd be rattling in his fingers they're shaking a little.

He looks away—Kihyun's too much, too bright, consumes Hyunwoo from the inside out—and out to the night spreading around them, elbows on the railing. He breathes in stale and humid spring air, and exhales loudly.

"You don't hate me, do you," Kihyun asks in a murmur, his lips curled a little. "For leaving, I mean."

Hyunwoo's heart stutters, crashes, breaks a little. He shakes his head, smiles back as reassuringly as he's able, which considering their circumstances, is probably not a lot. "Of course not, Kihyun. I could never hate you. And not over something like this."

"I meant to tell you sooner," Kihyun says after taking a sip of his drink. He leans on the rail, too, his glass held carefully between his fingers. "I wasn't sure I'd get the job, though, so I didn't want to—I don't know, jinx it, I guess. I'm sorry."

Hyunwoo knocks their shoulders together a little. "You don't have to apologize. Please don't apologize."

"Hoseok was a mess when I told him," Kihyun says, a small whisper again, like a confession, which maybe it is because Hyunwoo had no idea. He's good at pretending, Hoseok is. Sometimes the reality of him breaks through the cracks in his carefully built façade, but those are far and few in between. It's always been Kihyun the one to hold the pieces that put Hoseok together. It makes sense, in a way.

Kihyun swallows loudly, or maybe it's too quiet between them out here, nothing but warm air and the dark spread of the sky. "I know he didn't mean it, I just think he was… in shock, maybe. I get that. I was shocked, too. I think he was more upset than shocked, though."

"He's proud of you," Hyunwoo says carefully, not sure where this is going, because Hoseok—Hoseok's always been intense, a hurricane of emotion just waiting to touch ground. A lot of emotions in him, Hyunwoo thinks. Maybe too many of them. "He's going to miss you, we all are. I think he just needed a bit of time to let that sink in. He's proud of you—we are proud of you, and we don't want you to go but we know you have to. We know you want to." _It's okay to want things_ , Hyunwoo thinks to himself, and has to clear his throat at the sudden lump there. He knocks their shoulders again but doesn't pull away this time. "And it's not like you're going to war, you know. We can visit, you can visit. It's not the end of the world."

Kihyun turns to look at him, and Hyunwoo's not prepared for how bright his eyes are, his smile a frail thing. "I promised Changkyun I wouldn't cry," he murmurs, shaking his head a little. He sighs, loud, his smile shaking a little, but it doesn't disappear. "Not the end of the world," he repeats, nodding. He licks his lips and looks away for a second before he catches Hyunwoo's gaze again. "I need to ask you a favor," he says in a small voice. He's still smiling, albeit a little sadder. At Hyunwoo's nod, he says, "I need you to keep an eye on Hoseok. He's—I know he's pretending it's all right. It breaks my heart because for once I wish he was honest, with himself, with me. But," he sighs, again, "I get it. It's—I mean, it's not fine, but—there's nothing I can do. He's gonna need—he's gonna need you, Hyunwoo. And I think you're gonna need him, as well," he adds in a soft whisper, and Hyunwoo's heart stutters again, crashes again, breaks again. "Take care of each other."

Hyunwoo wants to kiss him. Wants to close the distance between them and kiss him, but also wants to shake Kihyun, shake some sense into him, maybe into himself a little as well. He wants to say—a lot of things, all of them starting with _I'm in love with you and I don't know how to stop_ but Kihyun doesn't deserve that, not tonight of all nights, nor tomorrow or the day after. Hyunwoo's good with secrets, has learned how to be in the past three years, has learned to sit at the fringes and watch Kihyun with his heart beating furiously in his chest, caged by his ribs and the weight in his lungs, trapped.

Hyunwoo clears his throat, nods shortly, and whispers, "We will," and this is how Hoseok finds them, a bright smile on his face that shakes and rattles and threatens to slip and shatter on the ground. He wraps an arm around Hyunwoo's waist and ruffles Kihyun's hair fondly, smile slightly realer, asks, "What are you two doing here? Come on, Hyunwoo's gotta blow the candles on his cake and Jooheon's already gearing up to fight for the biggest piece."

He drags them back inside and Hyunwoo doesn't miss the way Kihyun leans further into Hoseok as they head for the kitchen. And again, Hyunwoo stands at the edge, behind them, and watches, nothing else he can do except smile at Hyungwon when he pulls him toward his birthday cake.

"Someone get the lights, I can't do fucking everything, you assholes," Minhyuk says as he starts lighting the candles. Changkyun snorts somewhere in the back and then the lights are blinking off and only the glow of the candles—all twenty-five of them—is all Hyunwoo can focus on.

"Make a wish," Jooheon says when they're done singing.

Hyunwoo doesn't— _can't—_ but he blows on the candles diligently when Minhyuk tells him to.

(Later, when Kihyun's getting into his cab—he'd refused to let them see him off at the airport—Hoseok sticks his hand down Hyunwoo's front pocket and fishes out his car keys. His smile is all teeth and cutting edges and he says, "I'm crashing at yours tonight, yeah?"

Hyunwoo nods, shrugs a shoulder and gets in the passenger seat, quiet, and doesn't comment on how white Hoseok's knuckles are around the wheel.

And much later, when Hoseok's knuckles are equally white as they clutch at Hyunwoo's shirt to pull him closer, Hyunwoo thinks of the candlelight again, and it's like some of it is still trapped in Hoseok's eyes where they're bright and warm and flicker with something Hyunwoo can't recognize.

He distantly wishes he'd had the guts to make a wish as he kisses Hoseok and a whimper dies in his throat.)

 

 

 

Kihyun calls a few days before his birthday. Hyunwoo's about to walk into a meeting with his boss and the company's CFO and his phone buzzes in his pocket; he sighs a little and checks it when he spots his boss is also in a call so he might as well.

Kihyun's blinding smile is on his screen along with _'Calling'_ and Hyunwoo's breath catches. He swipes left and quickly types _busy cant talk rn give me an hour_ and hopes it doesn't upset Kihyun because truth is they haven't spoken on the phone in almost a month and the last time he heard from him Kihyun had texted him Saturday morning to let him know he'd been bedridden all week with a stomach bug. He puts his phone in silent mode and hopes.

Time drags—it's only a thirty minute meeting so everyone can get caught up on the mid-year reports and deals and everything in between. Hyunwoo reads spread-sheet after spread-sheet and kind of wonders why he chose business in college when he could've chosen something much more exciting than this. Music like Jooheon and Changkyun; maybe teaching, like Hyungwon. Minhyuk looks happy and content working in web design. Kihyun produces music and gets to travel the world.

He wonders if Hoseok and he are stuck in this—the corporate world, the suits, the bland meetings and the dull hours.

"That'll be all for today, guys, thank you for your hard work," the CFO says, smiling placidly.

When Hyunwoo gets back to his office and can finally check his phone, there's a couple of texts from Ilhoon in Communications, which Hyunwoo will get to later because Kihyun hasn’t really texted him back but Hoseok has.

_im bored i hate midyear meetings lets get tgt for dinner my treat_

Hyunwoo sighs and drops on his chair, stuffs the folder with papers from the meeting under his keyboard.

_Ok meet me in the lobby in 30 and you better pay this time_

He thumbs back to the conversation with Kihyun and sees he's online. Might as well, and all that.

It takes six rings for Kihyun to pick up. He says, "Hey, Hyunwoo, you're not dead," in a flat yet fond tone and it makes Hyunwoo smile a little.

"Neither are you," he says, "you survived the plague."

"Ugh, don't remind me," Kihyun groans. "Did I call in the middle of something earlier?"

"Oh, yeah, I was about to walk into a meeting." Hyunwoo sits back a little more comfortably and stares unseeing at the screen of his computer. At least if someone walks in they'll think he's discussing some data or whatever. "What's up, how've you been?"

Kihyun's sigh cracks a little through the line. "Oh, you know, just working, mostly. I'm in New York right now, actually."

That perks Hyunwoo up a little. "You are? That sounds cool. What's happening over there?"

"Well, uh," Kihyun starts and stops and in the background Hyunwoo can hear the sounds of a door opening and closing. There's a car honking, too, but very far-away. "My boss kinda wanted me to meet some people? Producers, mostly. Singers. A few of them. They, uh, they want me to work on something. I mean, with someone. It's… kinda big? It's a big project, I don't know if I, uh, if I should—I mean, I should, but I don't know if I _should_ should, you know—"

"Kihyun," he interrupts gently, "breathe."

"I _am_ breathing," Kihyun replies petulantly, "but unlike someone I know, I can multitask and breathe _and_ have a meltdown at the same time."

Hyunwoo chuckles a little. "You should take the job," he says after a couple of silent seconds wherein Kihyun just breathes into the line.

"You think so?" His voice is small and quiet, subdued.

Hyunwoo nods and then says, "I really think you should. It's what you've been hoping for, isn't it, to get your big chance. Maybe this is it. You should go for it, I really think it'll be good for you."

There's a long, weary sigh and then, "You're too loyal."

Hyunwoo doesn't know what that is supposed to mean or why it pertains to their conversation but before he can ask, Kihyun makes a tiny sound and then asks, slightly brighter in tone, "How are you, though? How's that promotion going? Got an assistant yet?"

"It's…" Hyunwoo looks around his office; it's small but it's comfortable, his desk is real wood and his chair has a five star rate, he's got a tiny room attached—more like a closet but he'll take what he can get—with a microwave and a very expensive-looking coffee maker and cabinets with mugs and stuff, and he even has a small set of couches and a center table where he sometimes meets with some of the higher-ups when they bless Hyunwoo with their presence. He's got a big window and he might not be at the top of one of the skyscrapers in the financial district but the view is pretty cool, especially at night. "It's good, my office is nice. And the money is even nicer, really. No assistant yet, sadly, but I'll let you know how that works out."

Kihyun laughs softly and Hyunwoo follows, too, and when they sober up, Kihyun asks, "How's Hoseok?"

Hyunwoo's heart stutters. "He's… He's okay. He's… You know. Hoseok. We're meeting for dinner, actually. He, uh, he didn't get the promotion he was hoping for but they gave him a raise, so he's happy with that for the moment, I think. He's… Yeah, he's okay."

"Mm." Kihyun sighs again. "Look, I didn't just call to share my breakdown with you. That job? It's, uh, gonna take some time. A whole year, they told me. And that's only, like, pre-production, probably, so I can't really say what's coming after that or how long—" he pauses and then, "Fuck, I miss home. I wanna go back. I miss my parents and I miss my friends, but," he sighs again and Hyunwoo wonders if Kihyun ever runs out of air, "I love this. I love what I do."

Hyunwoo taps his fingers on his nice desk, wets his lips. "Kihyun—"

"I haven't talked to Hoseok in six months," Kihyun says, small and barely there. "I try—I tried calling a few days ago and it went straight to voicemail. I tried. I tried so fucking hard, Hyunwoo."

Hyunwoo doesn't know what to say. He clears his throat two times— _two fucking times_ , but nothing comes out. Eventually Kihyun adds, "I don't think I can make it back for your birthday, Hyunwoo. I meant to—I bought my tickets, but I don't think—if I sign this new job I gotta start right away and I—I'm sorry, I really wanted to visit, I even got you something—I'm really sorry—"

"Hey," Hyunwoo interrupts, shaking his head even if Kihyun can't see, "that's fine, Kihyun, you don't have to apologize. I get it, it's alright. Don't feel bad, there'll be other birthdays." He says the last thing with a bit of laughter in his voice, tone light, because the last thing he wants is to make Kihyun feel any more guilty.

Kihyun huffs a small laugh in response. "I will mail it to you. I'm gonna ask Minhyuk to make a vid of you opening it because I really need to see your reaction."

"It better not be anything sexual," Hyunwoo groans.

"You'll have to wait and see, I guess," Kihyun says, chuckling a little. He exhales loudly and adds, "I have to go now. I have, uh, some things to do back at the studio. I should get there early."

"Yeah," Hyunwoo breathes, "I bet. We'll talk later."

"I'll give you a call for your birthday. Maybe we can Facetime?"

"I'd like that."

"Awesome. Take care, okay? And, uh, don't—don't tell Hoseok I told you about… you know."

Hyunwoo bites the inside of his cheek but agrees, "Okay. Take care of yourself, Kihyun. And congratulations on the new job."

"Thank you," Kihyun says, and he sounds so close to tears Hyunwoo's stomach clenches horribly. "Thanks, Hyunwoo. I'll talk to you soon. Love you."

"Love you, too."

It's the first time in a long time Hyunwoo's heart barely stutters as he says it.

 

 

 

They all get together for dinner to celebrate Hyunwoo's birthday. Kihyun doesn't call, doesn't text throughout the day, and Hyunwoo makes peace with it as he knocks glasses of soju with Hyungwon and lets Minhyuk make him the biggest lettuce wrap he's ever seen. The corners of Hoseok's lips are tight even when he smiles and Hyunwoo wants to lean over Changkyun and ask what's wrong, but—but Hoseok hasn't really looked at him at all this evening and it's beginning to grate on his nerves a little, only a little.

"We should go to a karaoke this weekend," Hyungwon says, and Hyunwoo snaps back to the restaurant, to the table he's sitting at, to the conversation and the drinks flowing easy between them. "We need to find a new one since our usual one has banned Minhyuk for life."

"They don't appreciate true talent," Minhyuk sniffs, and Hyunwoo chuckles quietly under his breath.

"Kihyun nearly broke a lung laughing when we sent him the video," Jooheon laughs across the table, and it's only natural that everyone else laughs, too, that no one realizes that Hoseok's fingers stop in the middle of reaching for his glass or that he stops chewing his food and simply stares blankly ahead.

Hyunwoo notices. His heart clenches in his chest and he wishes it didn't, wishes it could just fucking chill for one night.

"I hope he visits soon," Changkyun says. "Anyone heard from him lately?"

Hyunwoo chews slowly on his food and shrugs, everyone around the table doing the same. He doesn't know if he should mention Kihyun's call a few days ago and the job he's got lined up, but Hyunwoo chooses to play aloof and continues his careful chewing until he can swallow.

Hoseok gets up in the middle of Hyungwon telling a story about one of his students and excuses himself to the restroom. Hyunwoo peers at him over Changkyun's head and—and Hoseok's looking at him, for the first time in what feels like a hundred years, his fringe sticking a little to his forehead, his cheeks flushed from drinks and food, and he's… Fuck, he's so beautiful and Hyunwoo's heart stutters for the millionth time at the sight of him. It doesn't last long, though, he looks away with a start and then leaves, his chair scraping softly on the floor.

Hyunwoo watches him walk away; he looks around the table and everyone's still listening to Hyungwon, laughing along with him, most of them already tipsy with soju and beer. He smiles a little when Changkyun laughs, full-bodied, and nearly falls off the chair. He wonders if they'll notice, if he stands up and follows after Hoseok, if he—

"You can go check on him, hyung," Changkyun says softly next to him, eyes bright and surprisingly sober. He smiles sideways and nods in the direction Hoseok's gone. "He's probably out smoking but someone should still check on him."

"Right," Hyunwoo says, nodding slowly. Around him the table's still alive with conversation and Changkyun slips into it unaffected, and when Hyunwoo stands on slightly shaky knees, no one around him blinks at him in surprise.

Hyunwoo takes it for what it is and slowly follows after Hoseok, pulling his jacket on because it's drizzling a little and he really can't afford to get sick right now.

Hoseok's standing against a lamppost a couple feet away, hands in the pockets of his grey slacks, tie hanging loose around his neck—they'd both come straight from the office. The street is almost empty except for people walking out the couple of bars down the street and people milling around in the corner where there's one of those all-night stores.

He's indeed smoking, the stick between his lips glowing faintly.

"Everything okay?" Hyunwoo asks as he steps closer, hands in his pockets.

Hoseok shrugs. "Just felt like I needed some air."

"Mind if I join you for a bit, then?"

"You don't have to babysit me," Hoseok mutters, but he shrugs a shoulder as Hyunwoo joins him under the glow of the lamp and leans his shoulder against it as well, next to Hoseok.

"I don't think you need babysitting," Hyunwoo counters. He shoves a hand in Hoseok's pocket and retrieves his lighter. Hoseok goes still next to him and then seems to relax in small bouts, blowing smoke slowly through his nose as he watches Hyunwoo flick the lighter between his fingers.

"Well, fucking thanks for the validation, Hyunwoo, really," Hoseok answers gruffly, and seems to try shoving his free hand deeper into his pockets.

Hyunwoo frowns a little. "What's gotten into you?"

Hoseok blows a breath and shakes his head. He drops the cigarette to the floor and stomps on it, "Whatever, it doesn't fucking matter."

"Hey," Hyunwoo tries, reaching over to curl fingers around Hoseok's wrist. Hoseok doesn't pull away but it doesn't look like he's comfortable with it either and Hyunwoo lets go, instantly. "What is it? You know you can tell me."

"Can I?" Hoseok asks, and there's something dangerous in his tone, something that feels a lot like resentment. Hyunwoo gets it, all of a sudden, because Hoseok might put up a wall between them from time to time but Hyunwoo's learned to peek through at the real him, and this—this barely contained Hoseok has been slowly simmering under the surface for a while. It hurts, in a way, because Hyunwoo wishes—not for the first time—that they could be honest about things.

"Can I, Hyunwoo?" He huffs a breath, almost a chuckle, ugly and dark. "Alright, then, I'll tell you. No, you know what? Let me ask you something, first." He steps closer, and he's angry now, Hyunwoo can tell, the corners of his mouth pulled tight, his shoulders tense under his jacket. His hands are curled into fists at his sides. "How can you stand it? How can you talk to him still and not _hate_ him?"

"Hoseok," he starts, because it's not right to talk about Kihyun like this, angry and sad and upset.

"Fucking Kihyun up and leaving," Hoseok hisses, and it's like he deflates a little as he says it, too, like a weight's coming off his shoulders that he hadn't realized was there in the first place. "He just—" he makes a vague gesture with his hand, "Left. He _left_. How can you not—I fucking hate him. I mean, I," he falters, his eyes so bright, and Hyunwoo's heart stutters off rhythm, "God, I loved him so much, you know. And I know you did, too, I know you were in love with him, and I get it, you know, he's just so..." he sighs, like it's breaking him inside, admitting to this, and Hyunwoo doesn't understand what's happening, but then Hoseok's mouth turns down, he looks away, angry again, and says, "I know you still love him. Which is just fucking perfect, really, because, like, what? Fucking by proxy? This thing we do and we don't talk about, Hyunwoo? Where we fuck each other and think of him? It has to be the saddest, most pathetic thing ever, really." His laugh is ugly, when it breaks past his lips, hollow. "You think of him when I sucked your dick that first time, Hyunwoo? Be real for a sec with me, pal. You can be honest, it's always been just fucking, hasn’t it."

"Fuck you." Hyunwoo exhales slowly, shaking his head as Hoseok continues to look away, his jaw clenching. He takes a step back, holds his hands up when Hoseok opens his mouth probably to make a snarky remark about how they actually did fuck a few days ago. Because that's what Hoseok does, he goes for the lowest blows when he's cornered, he lashes out and strikes and sighs 'fuck it' when he's done.

It hurts; deep in Hyunwoo's belly there's this hollow ache he can't place but it sure as fuck hasn't anything to do with Kihyun. It's downing on him, just now, too, that Hyunwoo's stopped feeling at all when it comes to Kihyun except for a tiny tinge of sorrow for not knowing how things would've gone, and all that's left are pieces of Hoseok— _Hoseok_ , who's looking at him like he wants Hyunwoo to agree, to admit that it's been just that, just them fucking out of convenience, and Hyunwoo knows Hoseok _knows_ it hasn't, not in a damn while, so what exactly is he playing at, here?

"Hyunwoo—"

"No, fuck you, Hoseok." Hyunwoo sighs, taking another step back, back towards the restaurant. He can't even hold this against Hoseok, is the thing, that Hoseok's doing this on his birthday, and isn't that just fucking peachy, because a year ago— _exactly_ a year ago—they sort of did this too, fucked up and fucked up bad.

But he's angry, angry at himself, and Hoseok, and Kihyun, and everything in between them.

"Don't fucking put your shitty excuses on me. Fuck you. Honestly, _fuck you_. Fuck Kihyun while you're at it, too—I mean, that's what you've been thinking about all this time, right?" There's a lump in his throat, heavy and painful, and it hurts, to speak past it, but Hyunwoo's running on the last of his resolve here, can’t help the ice in his voice, in his eyes as he stares Hoseok down, "Answer one of his fucking calls, maybe he'll let you if you ask nicely, you fucking hypocrite."

Hoseok pales as Hyunwoo walks away, and it's satisfying for once not wanting to look back and make sure he's alright. He walks down the street and heads home, he'll text Minhyuk later and ask to get him his bag, whatever, he needs to get _away_ —away from this, away from Hoseok standing under the yellow glow of a lamp looking like he's just lost everything, away from not giving a single flying fuck about it.

 

 

 

Hyunwoo's been home all of three minutes when there's a sharp knock on the front door. He's standing in the middle of his living room just staring at the door, his heart beating furiously in his chest, when Hoseok says, muffled through the door, "Hyunwoo, open up. Please, come on."

There's a heavy sigh—it might come from the depths of Hyunwoo's chest, he can't be too sure—and an equally pitiful sound from behind the door, and Hoseok's voice, again, broken, dull, "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Hyunwoo, please."

Hyunwoo takes automatic steps towards the door. He feels—nothing, is the thing. He feels hurt and angry and upset and it all turns into a big ball of _emptiness_ that sits heavy on his chest and makes it painful to breathe. He unlocks the door with steady fingers, pulls it open a crack and stares at Hoseok like the last hour didn't happen at all, like nothing happened at all. Hoseok looks pale, his cheeks are pale and his eyes are large and pleading and his mouth is bitten red. There are tears at the corner of his eyes, clinging to his lashes, and Hyunwoo's heart flips painfully in his chest for the hundredth time tonight.

He offers Hyunwoo's bag slowly, like he's afraid Hyunwoo might take it and hurl it at his head. "You forgot your stuff at the restaurant. Minhyuk said you'd texted—he told me to bring it over."

"Thanks," Hyunwoo says, and takes the strap of his bag. Their fingers brush and it fucking _hurts_. "You could've refused. You didn't have to come all the way here."

"I wanted to," Hoseok hurries to say, shoving his hands in his pockets. "May I come in?"

Hyunwoo should say no. He should tell Hoseok they need time to get their shit together, time on their own, time to figure out what the fuck they're doing in the first place. He should tell Hoseok to go home and figure his stuff out while Hyunwoo does the same in the depths of his bed and away from everyone.

"Sure," is what he says instead, because he's _stupid_ , he's fucking stupidly in love with Hoseok and there's not enough hours in a day to try to figure that one out so he might as well just deal with it and take it standing.

Hyunwoo should've seen it coming, he should move back, move away, but Hoseok's _right there_ , smelling still of smoke and a bit of soju and his eyes are so damn bright when he steps closer and closer until Hyunwoo's sure he can count his eyelashes. He's breathing hard by the time Hoseok closes the last of the distance between them, and he wants to snap that this is not how they should be doing things, that they should sit down and talk like grown-ups but Hyunwoo's always been weak, so fucking weak in front of Hoseok and everything he is.

Hoseok drops Hyunwoo's bag by the shoe rack, and when his hands cup the side of his face, his fingers are cold. His lips are warm, in contrast, shockingly hot when they press against Hyunwoo's, when they part on a breath just to dive back in. Hyunwoo clutches at the open flaps of Hoseok's jacket and thinks he might never let go.

He hears the soft click the door makes at it closes behind Hoseok and sighs into the kiss again. It's a chaste thing, really, closed mouthed kisses, tender and sweet, and they almost feel like apologies, like Hoseok's trying to fit a whole year of explanations into them.

"Do you hate me?" Hoseok asks, and he sounds so small, so young all of a sudden. It breaks Hyunwoo's heart in million pieces. "I'd understand if you do, you know. I had no right—I had absolutely no fucking right to say those things to you. I'm really, really sorry."

"I don't hate you," Hyunwoo says, shaking his head a little. Their lips are still touching and Hyunwoo is thinking about Kihyun asking the same thing a year ago, asking Hyunwoo if he'd hate him for leaving, and Hyunwoo saying he wouldn't. He wonders if he asked Hoseok the same thing, wonders what Hoseok's answer had been then. "I don't think I could hate you if I tried. I'm sorry for what I said, too."

"Hey," Hoseok says, dropping a last kiss to the corner of Hyunwoo's mouth. When he pulls away and Hyunwoo looks at him, his lashes are wet. "Hey, why don't we sit down for a bit, huh? We should talk."

"We're not very good at that," Hyunwoo mutters, but complies and takes a step back, leading Hoseok into the living room. Hoseok chuckles gently and follows, his hand at the small of Hyunwoo's back.

Hyunwoo sags down onto the first couch he comes across of and Hoseok takes a tentative seat on the coffee table, even though Hyunwoo's told him a hundred times not to.

"I tried to hate him, you know. I resented him, long before he left," Hoseok admits in a low murmur. "I asked him, once, if he knew how you felt about him. He knew. He knew and he led you on more than once, and when we got together a part of me hated him for doing that to you, and I know, _I know_ ," he adds louder when Hyunwoo opens his mouth to butt in, "I know it wasn't his fault, anyone's really, I know. I tried, man, I tried _so hard_ , because I know he asked you to keep an eye on me, and I hate that he put that on you when he'd already done so fucking much. Fuck." He slumps forward a little, elbows on his knees. "I tried to hate him and when I couldn't I just," he shrugs, biting his lip, "I think I started hating myself a little. But, you—God. You," Hoseok sighs, deflating a little more, and this time he looks up to smile sadly at Hyunwoo, his nose a bit pink, his eyes shiny. "You've always been so… I don't have enough words to explain what you mean to me. I think when you told me to fuck off it finally clicked. Figures, really." Their knees knock a little and Hyunwoo wishes he could reach over and touch him, for no other particular reason than to make sure he's really there. "I'm kind of really in love with you, Hyunwoo."

Hoseok makes the decision for him in the end, reaching over to twine their fingers together loosely. "This isn't—it isn't just fucking, is it," Hoseok murmurs, his eyes so bright, his cheeks beginning to pink. His fingers are warm over the back of Hyunwoo's hand when he asks again, "Right, Hyunwoo?"

Hyunwoo's never been impulsive. But this time, he just goes for it. He loosens his grip on Hoseok's hand and leans forward until he can cup the back of Hoseok's head with both hands, until there's silky dark hair between his fingers and he can tug Hoseok into a kiss. He doesn't miss the way Hoseok's lips fall slightly open in a breathless gasp, or the way his teeth clutch at his lower lip so hard Hyunwoo's afraid he might taste blood next time when they break apart.

"It isn't," he breathes, cupping Hoseok's cheeks in both his palms, and Hoseok swallows heavily, breathing a little uneasily. Hoseok releases his lip, and his mouth is so close, so fucking close, and Hyunwoo needs to kiss him, needs to _say_ it, needs to make Hoseok understand this kind of desperation isn't the same from a year ago—Hyunwoo's not desperate for what he can't have anymore, he aches for what's right in front of him, right under his fingertips.

"It isn't," he repeats, against Hoseok's mouth now, dragging him closer and closer until their combined weight makes Hyunwoo drop back against the couch and Hoseok's flush on top him. "I'm kind of really in love with you, too."

Hoseok's delighted chuckle resonates through the emptiness in Hyunwoo's chest and it's like he can finally breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm_never_writing_angst_again.gif  
> ps, i'm sorry, kihyun, ilu.


End file.
